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Mood swing



Thanks to God I didn't go through such horrible weeks in my early pregnancy. Morning sickness, drowsiness, stomach upset, etc. I just lost my appetite by then and now it's slowly getting better. I managed to stay positive, think positive, act positive, everything that make my baby healthy and happy.

But there's an exception like today, when I loathe myself so so much, I don't want to look at my reflection in the mirror.. When on happier day, I can sit in front of it for hours. They say pregnancy can cause a terrible mood swing.. But I have a reason for my negativity today.

I just feel so idiot. For not continuing pursue my dream, both as writer and make up artist. It's always been that first step. And a fear of failure that haunted me. I guess I can do it, but I don't wanna do it cos I'm spoiled.
I have a very loving, kind husband. You can say I'm in a safest, greenest zone now. I have him as my shelter, my rock, a place to hide, to hang on to. Before this marriage, I also have my Daddy who pretty much like my husband now. So from the day I was born up until now, I always stay in that box. The safe house. I don't know either it's a blessing or a curse. I guess it's two sides of a coin. I've been spoiled throughout this time only to find out I have nothing to be proud of. Not even confidence to move forward and do things that people around me always encourage me to. That they think I'm capable of.

Now the clock is ticking, I'm pregnant. Will my "life" shut completely? Going on without knowing how it feels like doing things that I like, having my own world, earn money and spend it?! Ever think your life is pathetic? Oh please, compare it to mine.
Wise friend told me that it never too late to start something. Well... Is it? Why am I so afraid. Why I can't just "do it" like Nike says! Why do I have a very low self esteem....

There are days where I don't really think too much of my dream, but there's a day (like today) where I'm so down to the ground. Please e-mail me if you know someone who can teach me how to be confident...and fearless. I'd give all my shoes in that closet.

Now I feel more pathetic


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