.

I'm shaking as I type this. 

After so many years I haven't update my blog, but i feel like now i need it more than ever. 

Writing use to be my therapy. 

so. my husband died.

on 22-11-22 to be exact. 

85 days ago 

there. i say it. 

you won't believe how much courage i've gathered to type this post here.

the very blog that witness our journey.

from a hopeless teenager, to finally got married, and eventually became parents of two adorable kids.

too bad i didn't get a chance to update it more. however i frequently updated my twitter & instagram.

so there are traces of our journey there as well. 

how do i feel?

PAIN.

EXCRUCIATING PAIN.

A PAIN THAT IMPOSSIBLE TO CURE

My heart so tattered that there's nothing more to be torn.

He died a sudden death.

I won't go into details, at least not now.

Our 20 years journey ended abrubtly.

there goes our future hopes and dreams.

__________________

I begin to questioning the existence of God.

We've lead a good life. we're just an ordinary family. 

He works everyday.

I work, too. in the comfort of our home. I bake breads & cakes.

Our kids who are only age 8 & 6, go to school.

There. Our routines. Nothing weird nor suspicious.

My man sets a good example of how a husband / businessman / father should be. 

He's an honest and righteous man.. on top of hardest working man ever.

Never harm others, always go the extra miles. 

While at the same time he's a loving husband and affectionate father.

I HATE THIS SITUATION.

GOD WHY

WHY YOU TOOK HIM FROM US

WHAT DID WE DO WRONG TO DESERVE THIS?

We're no saint, but we pray everyday. We do what's right according to You.

This still feel unfair for me & my children.

For my husband as well. He's been working throughout his life, only to live all behind without had a chance to enjoy the fruit of his hardwork. 

GOD WHY. 

_______________________

I write a lot of things (mostly on twitter), which is a coping mechanism for me. 

I write notes for my husband on hourly basis. 

I go to columbarium every single day without a fail.

Despite of everything, I still pray to God everyday... to bring him back. ELSE bring me to him.

I read a lot about afterlife.

I listen to sermons from various religions.. which in the end they're all collide in my head.

I don't know what to believe anymore. 

I just want him back. I just wish the four of us can be together again. 

I no longer suicidal. But I can totally see the appeal of not living anymore.

Everyday is blurred. I just need to get on with my day to day activities. I work very hard until my body ache. So i can sleep everynight at 9pm. nighttime is hell. lonely is understatement.

we used to talk, watch, listen to music, before we sleep.

we don't want the night to end.

nighttime is our favorite time of day.

when we wind down & enjoy each other's company.

now when the night comes, i'm alone with my thought.

i choose to sleep early.. before it gets wild. 

__________________________

Grieve comes in waves

but i'm still crying everyday.

when someone said, "come on it's time to move on with your life."

i mean HOW

twenty years journey, move on within less than three months?

in fact, i'll never ever move on.

i'll never be okay again.

because you know what

DEATH IS FINAL. 

_______________________________

He often come to me in my dreams.

Bittersweet. 

I wrote it down in my notes.

because usually we forget about our dreams once we wake up.

the dream varies and all of them are pure bliss and happiness.

i remember i was so happy in my dream till i can hear myself laugh upon wake up.

i also had a very vivid dream where D told me that "he won't go anywhere"and that "he won't ever leave me". in that dream i keep pinching myself cos i don't know what's reality anymore.

_____________________________

so much to write about this, but i need to go right now. 

i'll close this post with things that he said to me at our 10th wedding anniversary (which's only 5 days before his departure)

i'll choose you again as my wife in another lifetime.