Chasing Intan

I'm shaking as I type this.  After so many years I haven't update my blog, but i feel like now i need it more than ever.  Writing use to be my therapy.  so. my husband died. on 22-11-22 to be exact.  85 days ago  there. i say it.  you won't believe how much courage i've gathered to type this post here. the very blog that witness our journey. from a hopeless teenager, to finally got married, and eventually became parents of two adorable kids. too bad i didn't get a chance to update it more. however i frequently updated my twitter & instagram. so there are traces of our journey there as well.  how do i feel? PAIN. EXCRUCIATING PAIN. A PAIN THAT IMPOSSIBLE TO CURE My heart so tattered that there's nothing more to be torn. He died a sudden death. I won't go into details, at least not now. Our 20 years journey ended abrubtly. there goes our future hopes and dreams. __________________ I begin to questioning the existence of God. We've lead a good life. w...

Unlike my first pregnancy , I gotta admit that after I gave birth to my 2nd baby, I found it harder  to bounce back to my pre-pregnancy weight. As a matter of fact, i thought it was impossible. The combination between workout hard  and the right meal plan really plays the role of successful diet. I ain't get no help so at the moment I had to juggle between running errands, school, extra classes, household issues (thank God I didn't have to do chores), maintain my social life, my love life, in short ... my life . WHILE I want to lose weight. I can't go to the gym easily, have so many to do list that I have to tick every single day. Besides, I never like gym anyway...  I remember I have an old email buried somewhere in my inbox, an e-book from Kayla Itsines. She is a personal trainer from Australia. I think she was among the first who introduce HIIT exercise. Her kind of training convince me that it's really possible to do the workout at home, even with minimal equi...

every birthday gives me new hope to be a better person to seek more wisdom more knowledge  to never settle for second best  i believe there are no accidents.. every person that i've met, every moment that i've lived, everything happens for a reason.  in this past year, i learn to pick my battle. if previously i got easily upset with so many things, especially about my relationship with Mr D. right now i tend to be more sensible and learn to use my logic more than my heart. mind you, i was this bitchy wife who overzealous of everything, who hit the roof when he failed to call me from work, and who bawling my eyes out when he forgot my birthday. but you know what? fuck it. i promise myself to always always pick my battle and think about the positive outcome of all situations. good vibes only. positive vibes only. anything else is just a noise. my daughter refuse to eat? fine. just give her bread or fruits or even her favorite meal ever: oatmeal and milk...

when i only have 1 kid, i was this kinda mom who really strict on everything, let alone screen time. i thought vale didn't expose as much to that.. until my 2nd arrived, i was in the borderline of my sanity. so i thought to myself, hey i deserved a few minutes of peace. since the only thing that can "shut them down" were gadgets, so i let them watch every other day. but as days went day, obviously they wanted more. and i unconsciously gave the gadgets whenever they "made a scene", like when we were at public places. it was easier to gave them gadgets rather than to yell and scream over and over again.  Am i right ladies? FYI at that time, i still limit their screen time to max 30 minutes per day. but when it became daily routine, i realized, oh no, this was wrong. thankfully it only occurred for a few months. Straight after that, we entered the withdrawal phase. even though their gadget consumption was minimum (compared to how my friends gave to their kids)...

i met an old friend the other day.. and she said, "you know what? you're one of the luckiest woman i know. you're not working yet you live a comfortable life. drop the kids to school then go breakfast with your friends. have a loving husband and family, smart kids. really, you seem so happy with your life." i was like,  WHAT . . . here's the thing about social media. while its intention to connect people all around the world, for example: instagram makes everyone "closer". we would know for instant who's getting married, who's having a baby, etc without having an exact conversation with the person.. just a scroll through instagram and you think you know their lives. but the truth is, you don't.  we tend to show what the world wants to see... a happy moment, a cute moment with our kids, a birthday celebration, and so on. i mean, it's only a brief aspect of our lives. and people often misinterpret it, compare it with thei...

it's that time of the year again :) tomorrow is Mr D's 33rd birthday.. just in case you missed out, i already wrote a piece about him years ago.. click here to read it :) it's a bit cheesy cos i'm THAT cheesy, ok? lol anyway.... after known him for about....... 16 years, today all of sudden a few occurrences flashback in the back of my head. prolly because on last weekend, he spilled some of our humiliating memories to his family over dinner. oh gosh i hate him for doing that. i knew it meant to be funny, but still.. . . . back in the days (i mean million years ago) when i was in high school, i lived in a bubble. where everything was perfect. as if i didn't have real problems. my life back then was super standard. i went to school every morning, back home, had all the facilities, had amazing families and friends. well in short, yup, a bubble. and then i met him.. boy hadn't i prepare for the ride when he burst my bubble. all of my friends...

despite the differences, there is at least 1 thing I have in common with Mr.D.. sense of music! we can just stayed up all night only to listen to our favorite jam or watch our favorite concert on youtube. discovering some new music to listen to. that's one of our favorite quality time. we talked about everything and all of sudden it's 3 am. lol. actually i dont get much sleep. the kids were bed approximately on 7-8PMish. and then mr D and I would go straight to our paperwork.. paperwork done, tea time starts. we always choose tea over coffee.. well at this moment we listen to some music while we exchanged stories about our day, his and my worry (which is totally different).. he would constantly worried about his job, while i'm all about the kids. the convo went on and on, we usually didn't stop until 1 am on weeknight. or 2-3am on weekends. the thing is, the alarm clock will wake us up on 6am. so... hello there sleep deprived. but since it's our only quality tim...

how come i never write a single post about my precious little star? tiny, perfect, and loud my daughter was born on april 1st 2016. perfectly healthy and tiny. and... just like any mother who looked at her newborn baby for the first time, i thought she was the most beautiful baby. tiny (only weighed about 2,7kgs at that time) but cried so loud. the nurse said that she was the loudest in baby's room. we welcome her home a few days later, i constantly worried about vale would bumped into her or jumped on her (cos you know, he has always been an active boy). but thankfully, we survived the very first month. my beautiful baby his first father's day with two kids getting chubbier each day :) Valerie vs Valentino toothless smile same outfit, different kid learn to stand up first birthday  her first year was tumultuous. she brought joy but on the other side, she wasn't an easy baby. sh...

wow.. it's been like, almost 4 years since the last time I blog. actually i have several drafts that i haven't published yet. either because i hadn't finish it, or i got a booty call. lol.. not in sexual content, but more like my kids were craving for attention. since my littlest one still breastfeeding. i do miss having to write my thoughts sometimes. i'm still like me several years ago, drowning in my thoughts (both negative and positive, even though i prefer the latter). but i guess just like every young mother everywhere, i get caught up in motherhood. seriously though, it really drains me out. first of all, my son is now 5yo while my darling daughter is 2.5yo. i mean, so many things happen in this last 4 years, crazy crazy ride. a handful of huge fight as well with the Mister. we're now into our 6th year, i couldn't say it's our best year yet. i seriously ever considered to call this off once or twice (yes it happened!) but in the end, love wins. and...

Wait... What?  Earlier this month I went to the obgyn and he said that my pregnancy already entered 21 weeks. Weighing 600grams and he said the baby is 80% girl. Woohooo...  Ahh with all the packed activities everyday, juggling between my #terrifictwo toddler and my business.. Time shows no sign of slowing down.  I can't say my 2nd pregnancy is better than the first, cos it is worse indeed.  Vale is now 16kgs (yup very heavy I know) and I still carry him around. Especially when we're doing groceries or running errands at mall. Lil boy has his own imagination already. And in public places, he's such a mess. Mr D and I just had a heart attack when all of sudden Vale entered the elevator by himself and it was only matter of second before the door closed. How crazy is that. So we have to be fully focus on Vale.. Oh and don't even try to bring escalator subject to the picture. He always run around toward escalator everytime he saw one. And he hates it when we hold his han...

On last Friday, I was approached by Vale's teacher, she said she wanted to have words with me. I was like, "ooh what now?"  At the end of class, I sat with her and she told things that actually have been haunting me for some time now. "Miss, some parents have complained to me about Vale's hitting behavior at class."  I muted for 5 seconds. I knew it was coming, but when it actually came, I just... Speechless I guess.  First of all, she asked me about how Vale behave outside school? How is he at home? Did I / anyone else have hit him so he copy the behavior?  Oh wow. I mean, those questions intimated me. I replied, "no one ever hit him, he's with me ALL the time. I don't use baby sitter. Vale never watches TV except the minions 1/2 hour per day. I don't have TV channels in my house." I even explained to her that I have a healthy marriage. Cos I think she wanted to be sure that Vale was raised in a happy home.  I was embarrassed. I don...

Darling son celebrated his 2nd birthday on last August. I wish I could write more but it's been a hectic ride these past months..  When he entered 2 years old, wow i mean TWO.  My friends were like, beware of the "terrible two" phase. I read at some articles that the phase is kinda real. So i was preparing myself, but when it finally came.... Boy it hit me like a perfect storm.  Yes Vale is stubborn. He is tough, dominant, rough-player, headstrong, brave, and strong (you wouldn't believe what he can do with his tiny bod!) I don't like the word "terrible two" so I chose "terrific two" instead. And I'm completely the opposite. I am soft, spoiled, sensitive. Once I thought, I had this tough task. How to handle this little devil? I will write some of his antics here..  1. Words to live by everyday are : No pushing, no kicking, no hitting, no biting. He does that all the time. He's in pre school now, so he has a lot of "friends" a....