eleventh

Approaching the end of 2011, I reflected  my life in many ways. How I have to deal with people around me, who turned out, to be not that good. Even ones that so called family. I feel like that my eyes had finally wide open. I learned so much, so much it hurts. The dispute between mother and I costed me hundred liters of tears (and I'm not exaggerating here!) also worse is, costed me a pain in my chest that marred my mind. The bad memory won't go away in a matter of months. I'm still feeling it deep inside me, can't forget every single word that came out of her mouth. Just so you know, I'm trying to hold back my tears right now. 

After the dispute, came the deaths. I know some might find this ridiculous, but Amy's death is still not yet over for me. Never in my entire life I've heard someone that sang so beautifully with that emotion. In short, she's brutally honest.I can tell that even when she's in her worst state, her voice was much much better than singers nowadays. I still punching myself to accept the truth that even though I've lived the same timeline as her, I never saw her! She's so far away.. At that time when her name rose to fame (Back to Black period), probably in early 2007, I was still in college and didn't have enough money to fly to Europe just to see her performing :'( Now I'm financially better but she had gone. 

Then came Marco's untimely death, which I saw it with my own eyes back at Sepang. 

I am the nuts I really am. I grieved over persons that I've barely known! But with Amy, I just feel that I connected with her through her songs & lyrically. I always feel wanna hug her and tell her how she loved by many and how special she was.. Anyway, since it won't happen, I believe that Amy & Marco are now living peacefully in heaven. One thing that I learn from them, although they only lived to their 20s, but they incised a gold footprints in this world. That their names will be remembered and heard for many many years to come. Their mission was finished. I'm sure their achievements exceeded many people who live until their late age but without doing anything remarkable. You know what I mean. "Man dies living a name" 

Despite going strong, my relationship with my man this year was a mess. We've gone through shitty days where I just wanna escape from him & our relationship. Him as a leader and a workaholic doesn't match with me. I admit that I still wanna have some fun, while he concentrate to his ambition building an empire. Well he's not that ambitious really, but yes he's kind of. Geez my words are all over the place. For once in our many years together, I ever doubted my love for him, and I was like, "is this really a man that I wanna spend the rest of my life with?" But after we sat down, talked, and put aside our ego, we finally light that spark again. He's been working this hard for US, he feels that it's his responsibility to be a great leader, not only to his employees but to me. I broke down in tears when he said that he will protect me and do whatever it takes just to be together. No bullshit here, he said it in manly way, I mean not romantically. And I feel such a bitch for ever mentioned that he's not the one. And so I learn how LOVE conquers all.

Hospital visits also highlighted my 2011. more than my previous years. The bad thing continued when I got this phone call that my aunty lost her battle with diabetes. She died just a few days ago. I couldn't help but cry at her funeral, I hate being there. And I hate the fact that we're all heading the same direction. To death. To be buried. To the cemetery. To... after life? I don't know. It's like waiting in a doctor, without consecutive number. We might get that call everytime, we never know. All we know, this thing called death is inevitable. We're queuing now fellas.

.....

After rain, comes the rainbow. At least that's what I believe in. Sadness won't last forever, so does happiness. Everything has its own timing. I'm just hoping that the eleventh month of 2011 will bring that nice little rainbow.. Pretty please?

So finally i came to a conclusion that people do change, things can go horribly wrong, but what matters the most is life must goes on.