oh baby..

I always struggle to find what outfit to wear each day.. It's primarily because, my bump hasn't visible yet but my butt, thigh, etc are already getting bigger. I couldn't find a proper pants. My old jeans? Oh please I left them hanging on the closet since months ago. My new maternity pants? It look ridiculous on me, cos it has this kangaroo pouch. And I don't have any real bump yet. Go imagine. 

To save me from wardrobe malfunction, I dragged myself to retail store nearby to find pants. I bought a few, especially ones that I can wear daily and for our upcoming babymoon! I need something comfortable yet look good on me... Among the quest, I passed by some beautiful dresses that I could've buy in a heartbeat...if only I'm not pregnant. Dresses that undoubted will look good on me even without a trip to the changing room. 

The words if only I'm not pregnant often came along in my thoughts. Not only when I walked hopelessly in my favorite store, but when I created the itinerary for our trip and in between. Please don't get me wrong. I am fully gratitude of my pregnancy, I love my son. I'm in love with him since I was sitting in doctor's room and heard his heartbeat. But sometimes I don't feel like myself due to the changes I haven't familiar with. I'm a first timer however.

But last night, I've made a promise to myself and to God that I would never ever think about those ifs anymore. Usually before mr. D and I go to sleep, we always talk to our baby....about everything. What we went through that day, jokes, and sometimes he kissed my belly.. We let our baby listened to our favorite song. Mr D insisted to played him rock songs instead of jazz! LOL. I, on the other hand, well. You know me. I played Amy's songs to him. Our baby always kicks. He kicked when his Daddy called him. He kicked when we listen to the song together. The kicks got stronger each day, but eventually that night, our baby boy didn't kick. Not even once. We tried all of things that aforementioned above, but it still quiet inside my womb.

Mr D told me to not worry. He thought maybe our baby was a bit lazy and not in the mood of playing. Or maybe he changed his position. I nodded. He kissed me and gone to sleep. But I couldn't for the rest of the night. My eyes were closed but I trapped between guilt, despair, and regret. My mind fulfilled with loads of questions. Why am I so selfish? What's so bad about having a huge thigh anyway? Isn't pregnancy the best thing that can happen to a woman, since not every woman have a chance to experience it? What if my baby could feel my negativity? and so on and so on. I felt so freaking bad of myself.

I cried, I beg to God  to give me a second chance. I wouldn't complain about my pregnancy ever again. I'll embrace it like how it has to be..
I called my son like crazy, please don't put me in this circumstances. You're a brave kid. You're only 2 cms when Daddy and Mommy rode that bike back in Bali with high speed. You're there when our house fell apart. You've been through many things with us so please stay a bit longer, I wanna see mine & your Dad's face that blend into one. I wanna hug you and take care of you... And I promised to be a better, if not best Mommy. T______T It's been the saddest night in our marriage life..

All of sudden, not long after I prayed.. I felt a light kick inside my tummy. I thanked God, I thanked my son. I breathed a big sigh of relieved. Thank you God... for I shall not be worry anymore.

Oh baby, I love you. And I'm sorry..


This is the song called Little Star. I first listened to it by the time I bought Ray of Light album back in 1998. A very beautiful number from Madonna, dedicated to her first daughter.

Never forget who you are, little star..
Never forget how to dream, butterfly..

God gave a present to me, made of flesh and bones
My life, my soul.. You make my spirit whole

Never forget who you are, little star
Sining brighter than all the stars in the sky
Never forget how to dream, butterfly
Never forget where you come from, from love...

You are a treasure to me, you are my star
You breathe new life into my broken heart

Never forget who you are, little star..
Never forget how to dream, butterfly..

May the angels protect you and sadness forget you, little star
There's no reason to weep
Lay your head down to sleep, little star

May goodness surround you
My love I have found you, little star
Shining bright...

You breathe new life.. Into my broken heart

Never forget who you are, little star..
Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky
Never forget how to dream, butterfly..
Flying higher than all the birds in the sky

Never forget who you are, little star..
Never forget where you come from, from love....