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Gently reminder




So my son is about to turn ONE this coming August.. Hmm.
Since the day he was born, I haven't get any proper sleep/eat/bath. Yeah you heard me. Even though he already slept through the night by 5months, but still these eyes didn't 100% closed. A tiniest sound would wake me up and checked him. Don't even start with those horrible teething/ I-don't-know-what-that-is night where my son woke up every one or two hours, screamed his throat off and nursing like a vampire LOL. *my poor saggy breasts* 

With no nanny or helper to take care my baby, I ain't pretty much taking care of myself anymore. But there were times when I litterally dressed up without special occasion. Because I missed my old self. I was stressed out. Let's say I eat stress for breakfast. Sometimes I gazed through old photos with Mr.D. I hardly got time for him nowadays. There were nights where I went straight to sleep without kissed him goodnight. I was so tired my bones hurt. 

Vale had his tantrums that made me sobbing in every meal time. My mood is driven by his appetite! If he finished his meal I'd be happiest woman. Otherwise if he threw all the foods down I'd be sad and had a bad mood all day. I seem couldn't control myself. But as I read on several articles, which is like a wake up call for me. I can't be like this all the time. I can't cry and blame myself if Vale didn't finish his meal. I made him food all by myself, so it's easier to blame the food I've made rather than blame his mood. But I found out that babies have mood like us. There are so much reason why he refuse to eat. 

Even Vale's doctor called me a perfectionist. She said, "Don't be, Mom. You're torturing yourself. There are no perfect mothers as well as perfect babies. You gotta live with that fact" I nod and thought, it's so much easier said than done. I wanted my son to eat properly, get his balanced meal. Poop every morning. I always surrounded by what ifs.. What if he didn't get enough calories, carbs, proteins, fibers? The doctor doesn't understand me.. And my position here. At least that's what I thought. So I'd be so eff-in stressed out if Vale didn't finish his meal. Mr.D just revealed that he secretly went home late to avoid that "meal time". He couldn't stand it..watching my madness in spoon-feeding our son. I get his point. He already had so much shits going on at work. Surely he wanted to come home to a peaceful scenery. 

That's part of motherhood, part of marriage. When you decided to have a child, there are countless responsibilities and commitment. Although some would take a shortcut by hiring a nanny. But I'm not and these all the consequences. 

I feel like I have to control myself a little bit more. Maybe what the doctor said was right. I couldn't be a perfectionist mother. Because she (the perfect mother) doesn't exist. There is only a mother who tirelessly learning and who has a heart (and patience) as big as the ocean. I have to be that kind of mother. 

Despite my role as a mom, I always remind myself to never forget my role as a wife. Poor Mr.D we haven't touched each other romantically for weeks.. :'( But it's so hard to live that moment with so much going on in my head. Writing this post, is like a reflection. I have to start being my old self again. Not "that old" but I have to embrace myself a bit more and be wiser woman. Relax, take it easy. This too...shall pass. 




P.S. I love you Mr.D.. I always do. 





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