my little star

how come i never write a single post about my precious little star?

• tiny, perfect, and loud

my daughter was born on april 1st 2016. perfectly healthy and tiny. and... just like any mother who looked at her newborn baby for the first time, i thought she was the most beautiful baby. tiny (only weighed about 2,7kgs at that time) but cried so loud. the nurse said that she was the loudest in baby's room. we welcome her home a few days later, i constantly worried about vale would bumped into her or jumped on her (cos you know, he has always been an active boy). but thankfully, we survived the very first month.

my beautiful baby

his first father's day with two kids

getting chubbier each day :)

Valerie vs Valentino

toothless smile

same outfit, different kid

learn to stand up

• first birthday 

her first year was tumultuous. she brought joy but on the other side, she wasn't an easy baby. she was extremely attached to me. i thought vale would be the jealous one but it turned out the other way around. valerie wanted me, only me. she didn't even want her dad. so i was pretty much couldn't do anything. while i had to ran errands, to vale's school and everything in between. i carried her everywhere i went. yup including to the bathroom trips. she was scared in meeting people whilst she always go out of the house everywhere. cos some of my friends said that maybe you have to take her outside a lot. and i was like, "duh... i took her everywhere i go!". i think it's her character. she isn't the type of easy going / trusted easily kind of kid. she's an observant, insecure at times. anyway, on her first birthday we made a little party for her, attended by the closest family members :) she was  walking a week after her birthday but really master it the following month.

• breath-holding spell 

i couldn't remember when the exact thing happened, but i think it's a few months after her first birthday. she was playing with her brother and they went crazy over this thing (it was only a goddamn plastic cup!!) and of course vale won easily with his mighty power. valerie was crying. BUT she held her breath. until her mouth turned blue and all of a sudden,  went unconscious. as i'm writing this, i'm still shaking. i will never ever forget what happened that night. we're all panic and grabbed her to go to nearest medical center. i cried hysterically, even my husband forgot his shoes. thank godness in the car valerie started to breath again. but she was still half sleeping. and she didn't make an eye contact with me although her eyes were open. jesus thats the most frightening thing that ever happened to us as a family!
later that night we found out that valerie suffered from "breath holding spell". it's kind of situation where a child is angry/frustrated/sad, he/she try to cry but at the same time holding their breath for a good one minute. and usually lose their consciousness. it's not a life-threatening condition and will usually go away once the child is older.

from that time, i became a super protected mother. i always carry her everywhere and avoid a situation that can make her cry. the doctor said that i have to be careful of my behavior cos too much of everything is obviously not good. someday she will use it as a weapon. i didn't really pay attention to what the doctor said, all i wanted was protecting her and avoid all the situations that may make her cry (which's impossible). but later i learned from my mistake. that she was smart enough to play with it. she knew that i'd be all over the place if she cried so she almost always got whatever she wants. and i felt guilty cos i always took the blame to vale whenever they got into fight.

shortly, those horrible thing happened almost every week and as time goes by, it was less and less frequent.

• terrible two? 

today she's 4 months away to her 3rd birthday. when vale was at this age, he was such a rebellious kid. especially at school, where he struggled the most. unlike her big brother, Valerie has become easier and easier as time goes by, even though she's very moody. well maybe i compared her to her brother whom extremely active, so i felt like i can tolerate her mood swings. she's not the "running around" type of kid, BUT (yes it needs to written in capital) she's very attached to me. as long as she got me, she's okay. when i'm not around, she become very insecure, would cry a lot, etc. although i'm working on it right now. i started to leave her at home for a few hours, like when i pick Vale from school. surprisingly little by little, she can settled well and can be at ease. so i think there's no terrible two in her world (or maybe i've seen a lot worse than this, so valerie's case is totally tolerable. lol)

• the difference

with my number two, i must admit that i'm a lot wiser and calmer than when i handled Vale. probably because i already had the experience which taught me so much, that i often cried from desperation. even until now, i still look into vale's eyes and multiple emotions struck me. have i raise him well? is this the starting point of the more challenging future? things that i should or should not say to him cos he start to understand his surroundings and quite opinionated. and so on, and so forth..

i start to think a bigger picture right now than i was a few years ago. if then i was only worried about the surface.. such as feeding, dressing up, sensory playing, etc. (yup cliche.. ikr), right now i tend to worry about their future. what should i teach them.. i wish they can help a lot of people (through their works, social activities), being selfless (which i still figure it out myself), while living their life to the fullest. well i guess it's a learning process for us after all. but i'm pretty sure Mr D can help to guide them become a remarkable human being. we've talked about this a lot, surely the road we travel by will be very different, but at least we have the same vision.

• the most important thing

if there is only 1 thing that i may teach my daughter, it is SELF RESPECT. because once she has it, she will be able to handle whatever life throw at her. it all starts with self respect. it's such a shame that i didn't have it until the latter (much much latter) point in my life. so i hope my daughter can have it as early as possible. i need to drill it in her head that she is WORTHY. she doesn't deserve second best, so i need to teach her about grit as well. gosh i hope she has a better, brighter future ahead than her mom :') i want her to know that it's okay to dream big, to have ambition, that she always have my support and blessing in everything she does. i want her to be able to stand on her own feet. cos i know how it feels to be helpless and depend on someone else's.. oh on a lighter note, i want to teach her how to bake :')

God gave a treasure to me

made of flesh and bones 

my life, my soul, you make my spirit whole

Never forget who you are, little star

Never forget where you come from

from love... 

 Some more favorite pics from year 1 - year 2 :)